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We only have a few hours before the 2012 presidential campaign cycle begins, so let’s quickly recap the lessons of this one. If we could take a little bit from all of the contenders, all of the speeches and debates, carbon-dating our way clear back to the Tom Vilsack for President era, maybe we can sketch an outline of the ideal candidate.

First, of course, this person should come from the Real America – small towns and wide-open spaces where people love their country with that deep, abiding affection that comes from minimal law enforcement. Residents of New York and Los Angeles can forget about running; also those from San Francisco, Aspen, Santa Fe and all of those other hoity-toity places where people think they’re better than we are. It makes your flesh crawl, thinking of those big cities, wealthy suburbs and resort towns, with their snooty mail carriers and aloof roofers and big-shot lawn-care specialists. And those auto mechanics from Winnetka – they shouldn’t even be allowed to vote.

Second, he or she must be willing to follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell and then report back to us whether there’s a cover charge. It also would be nice if he/she could make sure our No. 1 enemy runs screaming into the netherworld, rather than just sweating a little and then taking a bus back to Pakistan. So we might be looking for someone who plays the bagpipes.

The candidate must be an engaging speaker and all-around crowd pleaser. Let’s face it, a president has countless lackeys to dream up plans and issue threats; the real challenge is being a lovable public figure. Studies suggest that each major-party presidential candidate in 2012 will deliver more than 2,000 campaign speeches, pose for individual photographs with 10,000 people and shake nearly 100,000 hands. Also, the Libertarian standard-bearer will staple nearly four dozen fliers onto power poles, and the Natural Law Party candidate will try to remember to circle Election Day on the calendar.

A high level of physical attractiveness is good, but a low level of interest in fooling around would be even better. Just to make the point, imagine some outlandish scenario, like hiding in a hotel bathroom to avoid reporters from the National Enquirer; this might damage your image as a potential leader of the free world. Which seems unfair when the French president’s third wife is a former supermodel and Mick Jagger girlfriend whose nude photo was auctioned this year for $91,000. But at least Nicolas Sarkozy doesn’t spend $400 on haircuts.

The world economy grows ever more sophisticated, and our next leader must be able to process a wide array of financial details: Is the yield curve flattening? Whither the Libor? How much for a Sarah Palin doll on eBay? However, it’s not an automatic disqualification if a candidate who has spent decades in Congress, voting on bills that determine our nation’s future, admits to not knowing much about economics. I’m almost certain they offer adult education classes in Washington, D.C.

We voters have no interest in a theocracy. But if you’re running for president, you might want to look into Christianity, which is very popular. If you skip over a few minor continuity problems in the Bible, it’s chock-full of good advice.

Perhaps most important of all, a candidate must have experience. And by experience, we don’t mean the sort of decisions that produce a lengthy arrest record, but wisdom-producing moments like drafting legislation, conferring with foreign leaders or reading a Top 10 list for David Letterman. We used to insist on a World War II hero for the Oval Office, but we have pretty much run out of those. Now we’ll settle for someone who has managed to sit through a lot of meetings. While taking notes on yellow legal pads. Serious notes. We have had enough doodlers.