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Think of all the things this country gives you – free network television, lots of shoreline, warfare without a pesky draft system – and then let’s talk about what the United States needs in return.

We have tried and tried to stimulate the economy, but so far it has proved unstimulable. (I would have checked to see if “unstimulable” is actually a word, but it was a holiday week and we had early deadlines.)

Now that Ben Bernanke and Henry Paulson finally took the big leap and sold the Library of Congress’ collection of Led Zeppelin albums, they’re completely out of ideas. Long days tick by while they just sit and wait for “Jeopardy” to come on.

Fortunately, we’ve made it to the Christmas season. Devout Christians, Christians who can take it or leave it and people who simply enjoy songs with sleigh bells will mark the birth of Jesus as only we can.

True, Jesus was big on giving money to the poor, not dumping more stuff on people with packed closets. That was before the Lehman Bros. bankruptcy, so let’s not lose our focus.

The U.S. economy clearly will collapse soon unless we all get out there, credit cards in hand, and inject liquidity, and it strikes us that Business Record readers should be leaders in this effort.

The only problem is that our readers are also Iowans, meaning they tend to think sensibly. Sensible thinking is not going to get us back to the good old days of early 2007. So here are some gift ideas gleaned from the Internet to help steer us out of our crisis.

How about a Titanic watch produced by Switzerland-based Romain Jerome? The metal of the casing is mixed with metal from the hull of the Titanic, it says here, and “the black dials have been made by mixing the recovered coal burned in the Titanic’s furnaces with ceramics.” For $152,435, you get a timepiece that not only sparks conversations but also says, “Yes, I really do believe anything retailers tell me.”

A company called Parnian designs “power desks” suitable for the successful business leader; the most expensive one noted at www.most-expensive.net retails for $200,000. If business is really slow, there’s always the $6,000 model. That one might be a sheet of plywood on two sawhorses, but I’ll bet it has a terrific finish.

Hommage is proud to present the $30,000 Damascene Razor, a straight razor with a beautiful pattern resulting from 128 layers of steel being hammered together. It comes in a platinum-plated sheath, and the sheath comes in a gift box made of Tanzanian anigré wood. Remember, it’s a straight razor, so you probably should throw in a supply of platinum-plated bandages.

Or maybe you know a fisherman who would enjoy keeping mosquitoes away by smoking cigars infused with Louis XIII cognac. Gurkha’s His Majesty’s Reserve cigars go for $750. Apiece. For maximum pleasure, the lucky recipient should smoke only in public and pause after every second puff to say, “Did I tell you this cost 750 bucks?”

From the wine auction reports, we find that Comte Georges de Vogüé Musigny Cuvée Vieilles Vignes 1959 recently brought $3,922 per bottle. If it doesn’t taste at least a thousand times better than Two Buck Chuck, try mixing it with 7Up.

Is someone on your list a bicyclist? Note that Lew Racing offers wheels priced at $5,495. They can be customized all the way up to $15,292; however, a clothespin for holding a card against the spokes is still extra.

Finally, men and women alike should enjoy owning a BlackBerry case from Case-Mate. For $20,000, you get 42 diamonds set in 18-karat gold. If you eventually misplace the thing, at least you got some good out of it. Unlike certain stocks you own.

If that shopping list doesn’t save the American way of life, maybe it wasn’t worth saving.