Hi. My name is Jim, and I’m a gasoholic.

Every day I drive 25 miles to work and, if I’m remembering my story problems from math class correctly, 25 miles back home. Sure, it takes a lot of fossil fuel, but I have a good reason for living out there: That’s where all my stuff is.

It isn’t easy to be a selfish exurbanite. We have to get up early, watch out for deer and avoid collisions with all of those knuckleheads (anyone who lives farther out than I do) who never saw a speed limit they agreed with. Something about Marshalltown makes you want to get away in a hurry, apparently.

And if you’re in a hurry yourself, the commute can be frustrating.

One morning last week, with an 8 a.m. appointment looming, I had to make a choice. Get on Interstate 80 at Adventureland and take the freeway downtown, or thread my way through the East Side. Worried about a possible freeway slowdown, I tried the Hubbell Avenue strategy.

I hit a red light as soon as I drove under I-80, unfortunately, which cost me some time. Then came a red light by the truck stop, a red by Menards and, of all things, a red light at Broadway.

I sailed along for a mile or more, wondering why anyone would name a restaurant “Royal Flush,” then, unfortunately, hit a red light at East 38th Street. After the brief, compulsory stop at Euclid, I actually had a green at East 33rd. Then a red at East 29th.

Time seemed to be going quickly now, which is a sensation you don’t often experience on the East Side.

Feeling like a psychology test subject, I hit red lights at Guthrie, Easton and University. Then I caught my key break of the day — no train on the tracks. More often than not, the railroad likes to show off its trains during the morning commute, and they do have some fine-looking boxcars. Looking at 100 of them seems like a lot for one sitting, but it’s better than . . . well, it must be better than something.

I still had a chance of making my meeting. I hit the two red lights fiendishly placed about 200 feet apart at East 18th, then veered off the beaten path and had only a stop sign before getting onto Walnut, followed by another stop sign at East 16th.

I hit a red light at East 15th, unfortunately, and another red at East 14th. Stopped for the sign by the Capitol. Hit a red light at East Sixth. The dashboard clock seemed to be clicking along like a stopwatch now.

But the finish line was near. A red light at Second, miraculous greens at Third and Fourth and then, of all things, a red at Fifth. I turned for the stretch run and – didn’t see this coming — hit a red light at Mulberry. And one more at Cherry.

Then into my parking space — at exactly 8:00.

Gotta go now. I feel the urge to step on a brake pedal.