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According to a press release last week from the Great Ape Trust of Iowa, “ape caretakers collected urine samples from the apes throughout the flooding so they can measure levels of cortisol and other stress hormones to determine how they coped with the emergency in comparison with other major events in their lives.”

Now there’s an idea.

Considering that we have arrived at The End Time – floods, tornadoes, soaring gas prices, soaring food prices, a non-soaring stock market, the implosion of the housing industry and I think somebody said we’re fighting a couple of wars? – it might be wise to not only stock up on ammunition, but also start tracking our stress levels.

More and more companies are trying to persuade their employees to get in better physical shape, but mental stress? Hey, that’s our only remaining measure of resilience. Americans aren’t supposed to cut back on stress; we’re expected to brag about how busy we are.

If you want to talk about your cholesterol levels and your blood pressure readings, people will be happy to listen nearly to the end of your sentence, at which point they’ll tell you their own numbers. Talk about your unmanageable workload and overloaded family calendar, and they just laugh. “Isn’t it crazy?” they say. Good question.

What you need are some sound, scientific, urine-based cortisol numbers.

Out at the Great Ape Trust, the apes were a little upset because they were shut out of their usual space for a few days, which is understandable. But at least they didn’t have to worry about losing family keepsakes or repairing damaged walls. (Although it might not hurt to hand them a cordless drill and a box of drywall screws and see what happens.)

People, on the other hand, live in a world of constant stress. If it’s not four feet of water in your basement, it’s a popcorn hull stuck between your teeth.

This is not a situation to be ignored, no matter where you fall on the stress scale. Whether you’re as relaxed as a retired CEO in Myrtle Beach or as tense as a Central Iowa banker, researchers say any form of mental stress takes a physical toll.

Worst of all is to be a stressed male. According to The Franklin Institute, “UCLA researchers found that men often react to stress with a ‘fight-or-flight’ response, but women are more likely to manage their stress with a ‘tend-and-befriend’ response.

“Because the tend-and-befriend regulatory system may, in some ways, protect women against stress, this biobehavioral pattern may provide insights into why women live an average of seven and a half years longer than men.”

I thought it was all those salads.

So let’s perform a little test to see how you – whether you’re male or female or fall into a less narrowly defined category – are handling 2008 so far.

First, focus on the things that are turning this year into a Quentin Tarantino remake of the Dark Ages. Start with the cost of gas, which probably isn’t going back to 35 cents a gallon any time soon. Do you need to buy a hybrid? Or move? Or maybe stop driving over to your vacationing friend’s house to feed her stupid cat? It’s an animal, for Pete’s sake; shouldn’t it be able to scrounge up some mice or Cheerios or something?

Speaking of food, this is something you almost have to have. Unfortunately, prices are increasing so rapidly that grocery stores now employ martial arts students to stop you before you get to the checkout lane, so they can mark everything up one last time.

Study your investment portfolio and then smash your thumb with a hammer. Which experience feels better? Several experts say it might be time to get back into the financial services sector. Or maybe collectible glassware. They’re just not sure.

If you’re finding it difficult to sell your house, it might be time to throw in an incentive, like a free lawn mower or a couple of your less-important family members.

Finally, don’t forget that millions of honeybees are dying off in a mysterious phenomenon that will eventually decimate the Earth’s supply of fruits and vegetables and trigger a vicious round of food wars.

Now let’s take a look at that urine.