Guest Opinion: The advice you never wanted
My moment came a few years ago in the form of unsolicited advice.
After I finished teaching an evening course, several participants stuck around to continue the dialogue. I noticed one woman standing off to the side, obviously wanting to talk but waiting for privacy.
When everyone else had left, she approached. “Loved the class!” she said. “I learned a ton.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” I replied, assuming she also wanted to share a story of personal experience, as had many of her classmates.
“I don’t want to sound mean,” she continued, “but your hair is so dry and kind of all over the place. I think my stylist could work wonders for you!” She then handed me her stylist’s business card.
Caught a bit off-guard, I thanked her for the tip and we parted ways.
Then I got in my car and started to laugh.
And I realized it wasn’t the “masking hurt feelings” kind of laughter. It was the “did that just happen?” kind. My feelings were not hurt; I wouldn’t dwell; I could honest-to-goodness laugh it off.
Had I received that unsolicited advice just a few years earlier, I likely would have become self-conscious and worried about how many other students had been thinking the same thing. It would have been on my mind as I prepared for future engagements. I would have internalized the comment, even though I don’t believe there was anything mean-spirited in the exchange. I think she was trying to help.
I still have that business card – not to solicit the stylist’s services but as a reminder of that moment: a moment when I realized I am confident in my own skin (er, hair) and comfortable with who I am. Growth!
For meaningful success, you need to believe in yourself. You need to know who you are, where you wish to invest your energy and what matters most.
When you believe in yourself and your highest values, unimportant criticism rolls off your back the same as if someone said you have three arms. You wouldn’t feel hurt or let it derail you; you’d know in your heart that you have just two arms, could say, “Thank you for your feedback,” and move on.
This is not to say that any non-uplifting feedback should be ignored. If 90 percent of your direct reports indicate your listening skills could use improvement, for example, that’s helpful information.
But before you change your ways based on someone else’s suggestion, take these three steps:
- Consider the source, including the motive behind their comments.
- Check in with your values, priorities and what matters most.
- Decide if this is a worthy, purposeful investment of your time and energy.
These days, I often joke about my wild, mind-of-its-own hair. I love a good hair day as much as the next person, but not as much as I love coaching, or writing, or doing my part to change the world. I know what matters most and what I value, and I don’t let a bit of unsolicited advice consume energy that I could better spend elsewhere.
Most of the time, anyway.
Growth, not perfection!
How about you? How do you handle the advice you neither want nor need? Feel free to share your thoughts on my Facebook page!
Dr. Christi Hegstad coaches leaders to bring meaning and purpose to work in order to make a positive difference for themselves, their employees, and those they serve. As a certified executive and leadership coach and president of MAP Professional Development Inc., she has coached thousands to reach big dreams and bold goals. Hegstad is also the president of ICF Iowa, NAWBO Iowa’s Woman Business Owner of the Year, mom to three amazing kids, and a book addict.
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