Yeah, it actually would be nice to keep sexual offenders living at least 2,000 feet away. As long as they can’t get their door open and edge any closer. Although, if that were the case, 200 feet would do just as well.

Nearly as dangerous, sex-deviation-wise, is the Internet. So let’s keep our kids 2,000 feet away from any and all keyboards.

Are there any paroled murderers living in this town? I don’t much care for that idea, either. Let’s slap a 2,000-foot rule on them while we’re at it — a bit farther if they used a rifle.

It would also be a good thing if everybody who ever ran a financial scam had to stay 2,000 feet away from my wallet, although I have a feeling that properly elected politicians and legitimate business people have overcharged me far more than any con artist ever will. I suspect that every automobile purchase I’ve made has been a bigger financial disaster than was perpetrated by the less-subtle work of the motorcycle thief of 1973. (I’m still waiting for good news from the Ames Police Department.)

I would like to hear that the government had decided to enforce a 2,000-foot barrier between me and everybody who ever committed a strong-arm robbery or physical assault, and I wouldn’t mind a modest cushion – 1,500 feet, say – between my delicate sensibilities and everyone who gets on my nerves.

Out where the real danger is, on the highways and possibly the byways, 2,000 feet might not be thinking big enough. Let’s add 640 feet and make it a full half-mile between me – or any member of my family – and anyone who likes to chat on their cell phone. I’ll take a mile against anyone who has had more than one beer or who falls asleep easily.

Unfortunately, some dangers are difficult to pin down. It would be tricky to enforce a law that keeps me a few miles away from the next major terrorist strike, so I’ll just stick with my strategy of never going anywhere that our enemies have ever heard of.

We don’t have enough police to run around enforcing all of this stuff, so it might be time to strap a programmable electronic device around everyone’s ankle. That plus a network of sensors should allow us to keep people within their allowed areas, kind of like we handle dogs with collars and invisible fences.

But a more cost-effective approach would be to just go ahead and ban from the state of Iowa everybody who has ever done something reprehensible. That seems to be the direction we’re headed; if the bad guys can’t live in Des Moines, Polk County has to act, then the adjacent counties, and so forth.

Don’t worry, they’ll find someplace where they can fit in. I mean, have you taken a good look at some of these neighboring states?

Once the proven losers have been herded out, that should eliminate all the threats to the rest of us. Unless one of you is about to do something unspeakable and just haven’t made your move yet …

OK, that’s it. Everybody back off 2,000 feet, right now. Just stand still until I figure out where to put you.