“So Iowa needs a new slogan,” said a familiar voice as I approached the John and Mary Pappajohn Sculpture Garden on my morning walk. It was my old friend K.C., who sounded like he was in an unusually good mood.

To understand K.C. you need to know that things normal people consider funny, he doesn’t. When he hears a sports joke or even a good Ole and Lena story, K.C. will sit there looking like he’s lost a game of darts. But when he hears something his cynical brain can twist into sarcasm, he is all smiles.

“What do you mean, Iowa needs a new slogan?” I asked. 

“I read it in the paper,” he said. “They’re putting the four toilet seats in storage and looking for a new state motto and logo.”

When K.C. says “the four toilet seats,” he means the four-loop, cloverleaf image that the state of Iowa adopted in 1970 along with the motto “Iowa — A Place to Grow.”

Some folks said the cloverleaf was a metaphor for growth that occurs near interstate highway interchanges. But former Des Moines Register columnist Donald Kaul said it looked more like four toilet seats, and that’s an image that’s hard to get out of your head. I told K.C. I thought Gov. Tom Vilsack had retired the “Place to Grow” logo years ago and replaced it with the awkward phrase “Iowa — Fields of Opportunities.”

”That was one of the worst decisions Vilsack ever made,” K.C. said. “He could have played off Kevin Costner’s baseball movie and simply said, ‘Iowa — A Field of Dreams.’ But no, he had to go and muck it up. 

“That’s probably why the toilet seats never got retired,” K.C. said.

“It must have been confusing having both slogans,” I said. “Marketing people hate mixed messages.

“If we get a new slogan,” I said, “it should say something about quality of life. That’s worked well for Des Moines. And they could throw in something about diversity, too, because that’s clearly the future.”

“Neither will ever fly in rural Iowa,” K.C. said. Farmers and small towns won’t go for anything that’s associated with Des Moines. The only thing they like about Des Moines is the State Fair.”

“Well then,” I said, “how about this for a slogan: ‘Iowa — Anything on a stick.’ ”

“They could always use the slogan the Democrats used back in the 1990s to describe Gov. Branstad’s economic development efforts. ‘Pigs, Poker and Prisons’ is as true now as it was back then,” K.C. said.

“Or how about ‘Our water may make you sick, but it won’t kill you.’ At least not yet.”

“There’s always the caucuses,” I said. “We’re first in line every four years to select the candidates who run for president.”

“I wouldn’t be advertising that right now,” K.C. said. “Not when the two major party nominees turned out to be the most hated ticket toppers ever.

“We need something simple and noncontroversial,” he said. 

“Was it Kaul years ago who suggested ‘Iowa — Gateway to the states with square corners’? That has a nice ring to it, and better yet, it means absolutely nothing,” K.C. said as he turned and headed west on Grand Avenue.