On the airplane this morning, I’m watching the forced media as the plane prepares to take off. The CEO of the airline comes on a video telling me how much he appreciates my business, how much he wishes he could greet me personally, and how great the service is. Blah, blah, blah.

Meanwhile, people are waiting an hour to check in and pay baggage fees (except on Southwest). They’re waiting another 30 minutes to go through security. Then they’re warned against carrying too much on the plane, herded in like cattle, given poor to medium service, and offered inedible food and undrinkable coffee.

I wonder if the CEO has ever flown on his own airline.

If you call the airline to book your $1,000 flight, you’re on hold for 10-30 minutes listening to insipid messages about how great it is, and then you’re quoted random fees based on the day you fly and return, and the fullness of the plane. Should you decide to change your ticket, another 150 bucks, please.

If they send you an email, there is NEVER a way to respond directly, and NEVER a phone number for the person sending it. Rude.

Draw your own conclusions about the sincerity of their message.

And they win a JD Power and Associates award for customer satisfaction. Hello! What’s the category? Least crappy?

I got a request last Christmas, er, I mean last holiday season, asking me to donate my air miles to THEIR charity. Huh? Why are you asking me to give up the ONE THING I feel is a benefit of doing business with you? Dude, you print the miles, you donate them.

Here are my fantasy airline requests and responses:

• We surveyed 5,000 flying business people and 5,000 flying vacationers and are implementing 100 of their recommendations.

• We’re raising all ticket prices by $50 so bags can fly free. This will both shorten lines and speed up boarding. We will be offering other services included in this fee.

• We’re installing Wi-Fi on every plane, and it’s free.

• We’re now serving edible food and drinkable coffee.

• Every employee will be taking Jeffrey Gitomer’s YES! Attitude course.

• Every employee will learn and love to execute basic manners.

• All email communications will have a DIRECT response capability.

• There will be full disclosure why planes are delayed.

• We pledge to be friendly.

NONE of these steps require major shifts in or greatly increase the cost of doing business. In fact, all of these will improve LOYALTY of customers AND employees.

OK, now that you’re nodding in agreement with me, let’s look at the situation at your business:

• How friendly are your people?

• What’s the attitude (morale) like in your place?

• How much have you invested in training them on their attitude?

• How fast do you serve customers?

• How fast do you answer the phone?

• How accessible are your executives?

• How many frivolous fees do you have?

• What services are you not offering that your customers want?

I don’t fight the airlines anymore. I just look at what they do and shake my head. A few months ago, I was especially frustrated by their rudeness to an elderly customer, and I decided to tweet rather than say anything.

And here’s the tweet I sent out: If you’re looking to succeed in business, follow the airlines. Whatever they do, do the opposite. #gitomer #airlines